A Problem
**Disclaimer: This post is long and full of ramblings. I hope it makes sense, and if for some reason to read through to the end, I'm amazed at your dedication, and you might need a life**
I have a problem.
Not a huge problem, but it affects a lot of what I do day to day..
I'm loyal to a fault.
That sounds like a good thing right? I'm here to explain why that's not entirely true.
In the past year, I lost a friend. This friend had been one of my closest friends since I was 12 years old (for those keeping score at home, I turn 21 in about a month). To this day, I'm not sure what happened with the friendship. I don't know if I did something to offend him, or if he just needed to go a different way... But it's sad! I miss him.
Here's the crazy part of the story: If he called me right now and asked me to do ANYTHING. I'd be there in a heartbeat. Not to win back his friendship or whatever, but because a person I cared about needed my assistance. Whether he needed a ride somewhere, or buying a meal, or whatever; I'd be there with my car and wallet ASAP.
Therein lies the first problem with my loyalty situation. No matter how poorly someone treats me (or I treat them), no matter how long we go without having any contact, I am always going to do anything for the people I've been close to. Essentially anyone I've had a significant relationship in the past has me wrapped around their finger and that's frightening.
Internally, I have trouble letting things go. I'm not talking about holding grudges, or harboring bad feelings, it's more letting people go. In my head, if I let them go, the relationship is gone forever, and it won't ever come back. I would just be losing a vital part of what made me who I am today. Off the top I know that's irrational, but when you train yourself to salvage every relationship, it becomes a way of life.
My aversion to letting people go causes its own fair share of problems, which leads to the second big issue I face. A few days ago, I reached out to a girl I had been in a relationship with for a while, but had since ended. She was going to start college for the first time, and I assumed it must have been an exciting time for her! I reached out in hopes to wish her well in school and check in with her life.. Annnnnnnnnnnd it didn't go over very well. Quite the opposite. So! I shifted my focus elsewhere, and I learned that burning some bridges in life just might not be a bad thing.
Now the two examples I've given here, with the two people I've lost in the last year or so, I had spent more than a fair amount of time thinking about my relationships with them, Wondering if I should reach out and try and mend anything, or if I leave them be.
How much spent energy is too much on a relationship that's most likely gone forever? That's a question I'm still struggling to answer. Maybe there isn't an answer! Maybe I'll never know.
Much of my frustration with these specific situations stems from my second problem that comes with being loyal... I irrationally expect the same amount of loyalty in return. I always expected those people to try and maintain our relationship on their end, and I never really thought about how any of my actions could affect that.
I always assumed others would put in the same amount of effort and time no matter how many mistakes I made. The consequences of my actions mattered, I knew that for sure! But I never thought that there would come a time where people would actually leave. I thought those people would stay as unwittingly loyal as I was, and still am, to them.
The third problem, and probably the craziest one, has nothing to do with choices other people make.. It's all inside my messed up head. The easiest way to explain this problem is to explain the situation when I recognized it in the first place:
My junior year of high school I moved up to Boise Idaho. I didn't know anyone, I had no friends and none of my brothers and sisters were in school with me that year. I went to Timberline High School, and I went through that ENTIRE school year with no one I could call a friend. Sure, there were people I could say hi to or have a conversation with if I needed to.. But there wasn't anyone that I was happy to dedicate my time to. It was hard! And honestly, pretty lonely.
While I was going through that year, I didn't really know why this was happening to me. I didn't know why I couldn't just make friends. I didn't know why I couldn't put myself out there and find people with similar interest to me, why I didn. I sat around all year missing my old friends, missing my old life. Eating lunch alone daily, sitting at home after school alone every day.. If I didn't have such a great relationship with my family I might have gone crazy.
It wasn't until the NEXT year, back in Utah living on my own, when I realized what had happened. I had stopped myself from trying to meet new people, because I was worried about what my friends down in Utah would think if I made friends... WHAT?! When I realized that, I realized how insane it really was.
My Utah friends never did anything to suggest to me that I couldn't have new friends. They're the best people I know, they would have encouraged me being friends with anyone! For some baffling reason, I convinced myself that they would leave my life if I made new friends.. Ridiculous huh?
If we're being honest, there isn't really a moral or message to this post, other than me getting my jumbled feelings out of my head. Knowing that I need to do better in recognizing that everyone won't put up and deal with the stuff I would (and they shouldn't! If people are unhappy they absolutely have a right to leave) is the biggest lesson i've tried learning lately. These are just a couple of crazy examples I've been thinking about lately..
So yeah! Long story short, I'm learning to relax and let some things go. One of my favorite quotes is "Control what you can control". That quote is short and simple, but it has so much meaning. Learning to handle my business and be the best friend, brother, son, boyfriend, whatever I can be. That's all any of us are trying to do anyway right?
I have a problem.
Not a huge problem, but it affects a lot of what I do day to day..
I'm loyal to a fault.
That sounds like a good thing right? I'm here to explain why that's not entirely true.
In the past year, I lost a friend. This friend had been one of my closest friends since I was 12 years old (for those keeping score at home, I turn 21 in about a month). To this day, I'm not sure what happened with the friendship. I don't know if I did something to offend him, or if he just needed to go a different way... But it's sad! I miss him.
Here's the crazy part of the story: If he called me right now and asked me to do ANYTHING. I'd be there in a heartbeat. Not to win back his friendship or whatever, but because a person I cared about needed my assistance. Whether he needed a ride somewhere, or buying a meal, or whatever; I'd be there with my car and wallet ASAP.
Therein lies the first problem with my loyalty situation. No matter how poorly someone treats me (or I treat them), no matter how long we go without having any contact, I am always going to do anything for the people I've been close to. Essentially anyone I've had a significant relationship in the past has me wrapped around their finger and that's frightening.
Internally, I have trouble letting things go. I'm not talking about holding grudges, or harboring bad feelings, it's more letting people go. In my head, if I let them go, the relationship is gone forever, and it won't ever come back. I would just be losing a vital part of what made me who I am today. Off the top I know that's irrational, but when you train yourself to salvage every relationship, it becomes a way of life.
My aversion to letting people go causes its own fair share of problems, which leads to the second big issue I face. A few days ago, I reached out to a girl I had been in a relationship with for a while, but had since ended. She was going to start college for the first time, and I assumed it must have been an exciting time for her! I reached out in hopes to wish her well in school and check in with her life.. Annnnnnnnnnnd it didn't go over very well. Quite the opposite. So! I shifted my focus elsewhere, and I learned that burning some bridges in life just might not be a bad thing.
Now the two examples I've given here, with the two people I've lost in the last year or so, I had spent more than a fair amount of time thinking about my relationships with them, Wondering if I should reach out and try and mend anything, or if I leave them be.
How much spent energy is too much on a relationship that's most likely gone forever? That's a question I'm still struggling to answer. Maybe there isn't an answer! Maybe I'll never know.
Much of my frustration with these specific situations stems from my second problem that comes with being loyal... I irrationally expect the same amount of loyalty in return. I always expected those people to try and maintain our relationship on their end, and I never really thought about how any of my actions could affect that.
I always assumed others would put in the same amount of effort and time no matter how many mistakes I made. The consequences of my actions mattered, I knew that for sure! But I never thought that there would come a time where people would actually leave. I thought those people would stay as unwittingly loyal as I was, and still am, to them.
The third problem, and probably the craziest one, has nothing to do with choices other people make.. It's all inside my messed up head. The easiest way to explain this problem is to explain the situation when I recognized it in the first place:
My junior year of high school I moved up to Boise Idaho. I didn't know anyone, I had no friends and none of my brothers and sisters were in school with me that year. I went to Timberline High School, and I went through that ENTIRE school year with no one I could call a friend. Sure, there were people I could say hi to or have a conversation with if I needed to.. But there wasn't anyone that I was happy to dedicate my time to. It was hard! And honestly, pretty lonely.
While I was going through that year, I didn't really know why this was happening to me. I didn't know why I couldn't just make friends. I didn't know why I couldn't put myself out there and find people with similar interest to me, why I didn. I sat around all year missing my old friends, missing my old life. Eating lunch alone daily, sitting at home after school alone every day.. If I didn't have such a great relationship with my family I might have gone crazy.
It wasn't until the NEXT year, back in Utah living on my own, when I realized what had happened. I had stopped myself from trying to meet new people, because I was worried about what my friends down in Utah would think if I made friends... WHAT?! When I realized that, I realized how insane it really was.
My Utah friends never did anything to suggest to me that I couldn't have new friends. They're the best people I know, they would have encouraged me being friends with anyone! For some baffling reason, I convinced myself that they would leave my life if I made new friends.. Ridiculous huh?
If we're being honest, there isn't really a moral or message to this post, other than me getting my jumbled feelings out of my head. Knowing that I need to do better in recognizing that everyone won't put up and deal with the stuff I would (and they shouldn't! If people are unhappy they absolutely have a right to leave) is the biggest lesson i've tried learning lately. These are just a couple of crazy examples I've been thinking about lately..
So yeah! Long story short, I'm learning to relax and let some things go. One of my favorite quotes is "Control what you can control". That quote is short and simple, but it has so much meaning. Learning to handle my business and be the best friend, brother, son, boyfriend, whatever I can be. That's all any of us are trying to do anyway right?
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