Get Some Help, Kid.

It’s been almost a year since I’ve shared anything I’ve written, and that’s sad. It’s also because I haven’t had anything I’ve felt like writing about and sharing. Now I have a story I want to try and tell.. it’s about a bit of a sensitive subject and I want to share my story in a way that is understandable (and maybe even relatable?). I’m sharing this only because maybe it’ll help someone in a similar position. Maybe it won’t, but it helps me to get it out also so it’s worth a shot.

I’ll just jump right to it: Mental health issues have always been a bit of a taboo in my life. I wasn’t naïve enough to think that they don’t exist, but I figured I never would be able to fully understand because it wasn’t something that I had to deal with. I had close friends who dealt with it, but I didn’t try to understand what they were dealing with, and honestly probably discounted them a bit.

I come from a family of strong people. One of my grandpas favorite sayings was that “It’ll feel better when it quits hurting” and that applies perfectly to how I always looked at everything in life, especially including mental health. “Get over it! Have a positive attitude and you’ll feel better! Choose to be happy!” and all that type of thing. I was completely ignorant for a while. The whole time though, I never stopped to realize that saying/thinking these things didn’t really help me in any way.

Off and on over the last few years, I’d wondered about my own mental health. I knew I had some issues that would pop up occasionally, but I felt like I was in pretty good shape. In the last year, and over the past 5 or 6 months especially, I had started to think about it more and more, and was noticing some changes in the way I felt everyday. I finally decided to do a bit of research. As boring and simplistic as it sounds, I started by just googling feelings I’d have. Things like extremely down moods I couldn’t shake, not being able to fall asleep or stay asleep through a night or other physical things that would happen with my body (increased heartbeat, shortness of breath, etc.). The more things I’d search, the clearer a specific mental health correlation began to show… and wasn’t what I expected.

Anxiety and Depression.

Wait what? That can’t be right. Obviously just a coincidence. I’m sure the symptoms need to be much worse than I’m feeling for people with real anxiety or depression. There’s no way I’m depressed or have anxiety. There have been one or two people close to me that have said they thought I may have depression in the last few years. I brushed them off, not even giving it a second thought. This was no different. Just an unknowledgeable guy making his problems seem worse than they are.

After my quick little internet search, I figured I didn’t find any actual answers, so I figured nothing was wrong. I just kept going about my business, not noticing that the symptoms I had searched before were getting worse. It started slowly, but the more I tried to keep my head down and “just get over it”, the worse I got.

I started to get more irritable, started getting irrationally angry at silly things. Everything began to feel like the end of the world. My roommates would be walking upstairs, or a dog would bark once or twice at a knock on the door and it would bother me SO MUCH. It didn’t matter that I knew exactly what was happening and why, it would drive me nuts. More and more these seemingly small things would bother me. I got to the point where I had to always keep headphones in and pretend nothing was going on around me, because I was too overwhelmed living in it. I couldn’t process it at a normal emotional level.

I started to overthink and stress about everything. With any unfamiliar situation, I would start to panic. Thinking of going to a checkout person at a grocery store instead of self-checkout? I would suddenly get out of breath and assume it would go horribly (I don’t even know how a grocery store checkout can go horribly, that’s the irony). It could be doing something simple like making a phone call. In my head if the phone call wasn’t perfect, or if I didn’t have all of the information I might need then I would be.. in trouble? I would need to mute the phone call to catch my breath while they were talking. I would have to tell myself that I was going to be okay and that it was just a phone call. It’s like going through each day assuming that everything is going to go wrong and that is exhausting.

Long story short, I didn’t know what to do. Like I mentioned in the beginning,  I didn’t think my issues were anything more than recurring bad moods and I just needed to get over my silly troubles. There’s no way I needed to see a doctor or counselor, I just had to put my head down and get over it. That’s how I deal with everything else in life, this was no different. I’m an adult, this is just what being an adult is!

I had talked with Shelby (my sister, but I assume if you read this, you know me enough to know who she is) about what I was dealing with when it first started getting bad, and she mentioned that maybe I could see a therapist. I agreed with her on the phone, but in my head I was still against the idea. I would be fine! It’ll pass! It’s just a phase!

But it kept getting harder. Each day went the same way: Wake up exhausted, try distract myself with work, have 2 or 3 little anxiety filled situations, fall into a bad mood, end up locking myself in my room so the world would leave me alone to feel better (or so I thought), get more sad/lonely and then try to sleep through the night. After months of this I realized what I was doing wasn’t working. I finally got the point where I knew I had to do something different.

I started looking at mental health counselors and therapists around my area. I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t know what I was looking for, or who would be a good choice. To be honest, I went to my health insurance website, used their “find a doctor” tool for mental health and tried to find someone who looked nice and friendly. SOMEONE WHO LOOKED NICE. So yeah, when I say I didn’t know what I was looking for I really mean it. I had no idea where to start, what ways to find the best people for me… Because I still didn’t think I had a real problem.

I found a place that was close to me and looked like they just might provide the help I might need. I called, told them my situation & they helped figure out what I would need and who I could meet with. I got an appointment set up and was ready to roll.

Now, let me take this second to point out that I HATE doctors. Hate them. No offense if you or someone you love is a doctor, I’m sure they’re great people. But I just don’t go see doctors if I can avoid it at all. So voluntarily choosing to set and go to an appointment like this was a big step for me. It made me realize how badly I needed to see someone, because I didn’t second guess going. I didn’t panic or overthink the appointment, which is something that never happens for me. It sounds silly and cliché but it just felt like the right thing for me to be doing.

I went. Met with this lovely therapist and talked to her for an hour. I explained the way I was feeling, how I couldn’t control my moods and why I felt like I needed to see someone. Closer to the end of the hour she confirmed what I was dealing with, and what I had been denying myself of the whole time - Anxiety and Depression.

Well shoot. Now a licensed and trained therapist is telling me this is what I’m fighting. Once you get that news, there isn’t really any way to tell yourself that it’ll go away on its own. I had to switch my mindset. Now I’ve accepted the fact that I’m dealing with this and I’m working on understanding and dealing with these feelings I have in the most productive way possible.

I’ve learned in my following visits that my anxiety is worse than my depression, but they are both prominent in my day to day life. Each day is different. I’ll have times where I experience both. Some days I’ll have stressful days where I end up in a good mood at the end of the day. Other days I’ll have relaxing days but I will just feel miserable and want nothing besides sitting in my room in the dark, alone and in a funk. Other days I’m great, and don’t feel effects of either. One of the harder parts is not really knowing how I’m going to feel tomorrow.

In talking with my therapist, I’ve realized that I have cut off or stalled a lot of my relationships with people because of how I was feeling about myself. When you’re miserable in your own head, it’s kind of hard to let other people in. I lost valuable relationships because I didn’t have the energy to deal with myself and sustain those relationships. Which is one thing I really regret and working on now.

I’m finding ways to keep the areas of my life I can control as relaxed as I can. One thing my doctor has brought up is that around the right people, I’m able to nullify my anxiety and depression almost to the point where it goes away. The best examples of this in my current life are Shelby and my brother Brayden. With them, everything seems simple and I can relax and breathe easier. One other thing I’ve learned in writing this and trying to get this out in a concise and appropriate manner is that writing calms me down in a way almost nothing else can… Which means that I’ll probably be writing here and bothering you some more.

I want this story to show more than anything, that I'm comfortable enough to share this and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel (whether you know you're in the tunnel or not.)

To wrap this in a bow, I got some help! I guess I just want you to know that this is what I’m dealing with and learning to live with. I want you to know that I dealt with these things for a while before I realized what they were. But I also want you to know that ever since I’ve spoken to someone about it, I’ve felt so much better. If anyone ever has problems they’re unsure about or feeling like they need help I’m always here to listen and help however I can. Text me, call me, direct message me on social media, mail a letter, come to my house, it doesn’t matter to me. I would be happy to help in any way I can. I’m sorry for the length of this post (2000 words is too much) and I’m positive I rambled more than I needed to. In any case, no matter who you are, thank you for taking the time to read this, and I’m here if you need anything.